On May 21, 2007 I overdosed. I was in a really dark place. I don't think when I took the first half of pills that my intent was to harm myself, as much as it was a cry out for help. When no one answered that call, I took the rest of the pills. I left my house, and walked around my neighborhood looking for death. I began hallucinating and it's the saddest thing, even as I type this up I'm in tears, when I hallucinated, I seen him. I seen him walking behind me on the streets. It hurts so much to think that I wanted him to love me so much that I was hallucinating love that wasn't there. When I was in the ER, I could see him outside the window, but even that was a trick I played on myself because he was never there.
The whole thing is just a blur to me now. Remembering what happened almost seems like I dreamed the whole thing even though I know it wasn't a dream. Thinking back, it breaks my heart that at the time I didn't know where my children were. They weren't even in my thoughts when all this was happening and that just makes this whole experience unbearable. My babies have always been the only thing I ever thought about since they were born, they were always on my mind. I must have lost my mind.
I was committed for almost a week. But I think my commitment still continues, because I think about this all the time. Time has not healed anything. Even though I would never try to harm myself again, I'm still in a very dark place.
The whole thing is just a blur to me now. Remembering what happened almost seems like I dreamed the whole thing even though I know it wasn't a dream. Thinking back, it breaks my heart that at the time I didn't know where my children were. They weren't even in my thoughts when all this was happening and that just makes this whole experience unbearable. My babies have always been the only thing I ever thought about since they were born, they were always on my mind. I must have lost my mind.
I was committed for almost a week. But I think my commitment still continues, because I think about this all the time. Time has not healed anything. Even though I would never try to harm myself again, I'm still in a very dark place.
