There are some you wish you never had to think about again, but you do.

        Today was the day of my great surrender, 10 days from now my parental rights will be legally terminated. I feel a sense of relief knowing everything is settled and secure. I also feel a sense of profound loss.

        I want to thank everyone in my life for their thoughts and concern and although I may not appear to be touched, please know that I am. The truth is, I'm not as strong as others perceive me to be. I cry myself to sleep every night, when I manage to go to sleep it's not restful sleep. I'm plagued by this one reoccurring dream almost every night, about a broken crib. I'm screaming and crying that this crib is broken and that my baby cannot sleep here. Just as I am crying in the dream, I wake myself up crying for real. That's why I cannot/do not want to sleep.

        The pain is forever unyielding and I don't think it will get better, I'll just learn to live with. I know some are worried because I don't talk about it verbally, that's only because I can't talk about it. I'll fall apart.

        I want to also thank those who have offered me help, and I would accept your help gratefully if I could, I just feel that some crosses you have to bare alone. Making others feel as miserable as I do would in no way make me feel better. Having him here with me would make this particular pain subside but bring on an arrangement of other pain. Guilt for taking him from Stephanie and David when they obviously love him, the added strain on the entire household to accommodate my selfishness. Those things which are precious are saved only by sacrifice, my happiness for the happiness of the ones I love.