I'm sorry.

        Without doubt those in my life are undeniably fed-up with me. Once this is over, I will be even more withdrawn. If I do nothing but take care of my children, then I can make no more mistakes. To those who care, to those who know, I'm sorry.

Is there a safe haven for me?

        Open confession is good for the soul or at least that's what Scottish proverbs say. Deep in my heart I'm concealing this, and I'm terrified. Some of you may know this, some may not. I'm 29 weeks into a hidden pregnancy, which means I have 11 weeks to go. I'm so lost when it comes to this; I have no clue where to start. Do I contact a reputable adoption agency and find an adoptive couple? Can I give the baby to social services for placement? I know I can drop the baby at a Safe Haven, but I'd really rather just surrender my parental rights and let the state decide on a good home.

Mum's the word.

        Your shadow of doubt is precisely where it should be Mom. Until now I've assured you otherwise, lied, but with the best of intentions. I don't regret keeping my secret from even you, I'm just sorry that you had to find out at all. I'm sorry because I didn't want to break your heart yet again. My situation is a consequence of another mistake made by (surprise, surprise) me. My past and present is bursting with indiscretions, that combined with the inability to learn from my mistakes, is the reason I've arrived here. Those I love feel the pangs meant for only me and I only wanted to avoid causing anymore trouble for those who I've already brought a lifetime of turmoil. Obviously, denial has an expiration date in these situations and I knew eventually I would no longer be able to outrun the truth. Had Heather not cried witch, I could have spared you the weeks of immanent dread. It's something I'd never want to impose on another person. The torture of being able to think of nothing else for days, for weeks, for months has eroded me

        It's too late to salvage, the position is too far gone. I have enough right mind left to know that adoption is now the only option, the only door left to take. I really didn't want anyone to know, not dad.

It's the little things.

        When love is eclipsing for good, you miss the oddest things. I miss how aggravated he'd get when we'd run into a guy I knew before him, I know that it just meant that he was jealous he didn't get me before he did. I miss, how no matter what hour or what was going on in our lives, a random trip to Wal-mart would always make him and I both feel happier. I miss all the places he used to show me and the stories that went. I even fucking miss how he'd want me to sit with him in the bathroom. To know of him loving someone else, really and truly hurts me boundlessly. Even though we've been separated for quite a while, I can absolutely feel that neither none of the guys I know now nor any I meet in the future, can ever make me feel like only he can. No one compares, no one will ever compare. I feel sorry for my future lovers because anything that might have been will be over before we even meet, just because they are not and never will be him. I love him and always will love him unconditionally. We are definitely finished.

I hope he fucking chokes on the chicken.

        How's this work? I do everything I know to do and somehow it's never right, to him at least. He negatively criticizes everything I do. I help to make dinner (chicken and dressing prepared the night before and cooked in the slow cook all day) he makes comments about how it's burnt or that I didn't stir it well enough. How can one fail at stirring? If you're me, I guess it's possible.